shadow and sabotage

april 16 | weekly warm-up

First, identify an area of your life where your shadow self has sabotaged your efforts or hindered you in a significant way.

Here are some ideas: Health, Relationships, Education, Career, Finances, Family, Friendship, Cultural, Spiritual, Political, Creative

Next, journal about a time when your shadow self sabotaged a situation in one of these areas.

Shadow self ideas: a judgment, insecurity, grudge, attitude, assumption, addiction, obsession, or limiting belief

I remember taking deep breaths while I waited for the sheriff to come evict us. I sat in the living room looking around, imagining the knock on the door, the strangers in our home, the neighbors watching. Our treasures would be piled up and thrown out on the curb like trash — the picture frames outlining our smiling faces, the pots and pans our families had donated for our first home, the furniture that my roommate and I put our entry-level money together to buy. Each second was a minute, each minute, an hour while I sat there expecting a squad car to pull up any moment. When my friend showed up with the certified check in time and we didn’t get evicted, my relief only went skin deep. There was relief that I wouldn’t have to tell my family. There was relief that I wouldn’t have to deal with the embarrassment. Relief that I would not be revealed as an imposter who wasn’t as put-together as I presented myself to be.

When I was first introduced to the idea of self-sabotage, I thought it was ridiculous. What would make someone do the opposite of what they actually want? The answer can be found in understanding the shadow self.

I used to be terrified of being broke and looking broke, and this fear drove me right into debt and bankruptcy. To protect my carefully constructed image, I kept my financial chaos hidden and unexamined. I quietly filed for bankruptcy when I was 23 years old, a year into my first job after college and pregnant with my first child. I’d accumulated thousands of dollars of debt in my five years as an adult, and I was desperate for a clean slate before my son arrived. After filing, I strategized a budget and changed my habits by setting up spreadsheets and keeping journals to document my income and expenses. Even with a a healthy income and clear awareness of what was coming in and going out, I continued to make decisions that satisfied my emotional discomforts instead of doing what was wise for me and my family. I was failing to set them up for a prosperous future and the shame ran deep.

Internally, I made excuses about how life was hard for me because of my background and temperament. This victim narrative kept creating the same results. I kept doing the opposite of what I actually wanted because of the shadows in control of my financial life. When I felt ugly, I bought. When I felt sad, I bought. When I was bored, I bought. When I was happy, I bought. Spending money was the sweetest escape, and it was always followed by guilt and withdrawal.

I had to start being honest with myself. I knew that relief would not come from an escape like bankruptcy or even a behavior change like budgeting.

To break the spell, I had to address the identity issues that fueled my beliefs about money.

To break the spell, I had to find the value in who I am and not what I can buy.

This time, I wasn’t looking for an escape, I was looking for a shift in consciousness.

Our inner shadows are composed of the parts of ourselves that we subconsciously reject. So when we behave in ways that go against what we actually want, we don’t realize what we’re doing or why. The moment we realize, catch a glimpse of the shadow, notice the pattern; the truth is no longer in the shadow and that’s where the work begins. We are either doing the work of shedding light on it, or we’re doing the emotional labor of knowingly carrying it around and not doing anything about it.

This week’s exercise asks you to identify and journal about an area of your life where your inner shadow has hindered your ability to show up as your authentic self.