he didn't know how to love
She loved him.
But he didn't know how to love. He could see love and feel love.
But he couldn't give love. He could make love.
But he couldn't make promises.
She had desperately wanted his promises.
She wanted his heart, knew she couldn't have it so she took what she could get.
Temporary bliss. Passionate highs and lows. Withdrawal and manipulation.
He only stayed long enough to take what he needed and keep moving.
If he stopped moving, he would self-destruct.
If he stopped wandering, he would have to face himself.
He chose to stay in the dark where he couldn't see.
If he exposed himself and the sun came out, he'd see his shadow.
He was deathly afraid of his shadow.
She saw his shadow, loved it, understood it. Saw potential in it.
She thought her love would change him.
He pushed and he pulled, tested boundaries, thinking she would never leave.
He knew he was hurting her, but he didn't know how to share anything but pain.
He was only comfortable in chaos. Claiming souls before they could claim him.
Her love, her body, she had given to him and he'd taken with such feigned sincerity, absorbing every drop of her.
His dark heart concealed.
She'd let him enter her spirit and stroke her soul where everything is love and sensation and surrender.
Wide open, exposed to deception. It had never occurred to her that this desire was not love.
It was blinding the way she wanted him.
She couldn't see what was really happening, only what she wanted to happen.
When she discovered his indiscretions, she threw love in his face and beat him with it.
Somewhere deep down, in her labyrinth, her intricacy, the darkest part of her soul, she relished the mayhem.
She felt a sense of privilege for having such passion in her life.
He stirred her core. The place she dared not enter.
The place she could not stir for herself.
But something wasn't right. His eyes were cold and dark. His energy, unaffected.
He laughed at her and her antics, told her she was a mess.
Frantic, she looked for love hiding in his eyes, in his face, in his stance, and she found nothing but disdain.
And her heart stopped.
This essay appears in my book, The Beautiful Disruption, a vivid and inspiring work of lyricism and emotion that uniquely sheds light on the processes of struggle and self-discovery. To continue reading, the print version of the book is available on Amazon or you can download the PDF here. For a limited time, the book is also available as part of the Layers Three Book Bundle Sale.